I Never!
by Rae of Rosemary
Summary: It's Obi Wan's birthday, the one where he's allowed to drink legally. He invites a few friends over for a party...


I Never!  
  
Mace Windu hurried down a hall, carrying a bottle of Anoranian Whisky in his hand. It was his friend Qui Gon Jinn's padawan's birthday, the day when he was legally considered old enough to drink. In order to stave off the binge and hangovers that usually accompanied this day with other padawans, Qui Gon had told Kenobi that he could have a party at their quarters, with drinks, providing they didn't go overboard. Mace smiled to himself as he rounded the corner. Poor sap didn't know what he had gotten himself into.  
  
Padawan Bant and her master Tahl already stood out side of the door marked 'Jinn/Kenobi Quarters.' Bant looked up as she heard the older Jedi approaching. "Hi Master Windu! Did you get invited, too?" She asked, holding up her own bottle: Wertin aged wine. Good stuff, but undignified enough that it was just right for a party with teenagers.  
  
"Naturally." He replied. "Who else is here?"  
  
"We saw Master Yoda go in and I'm pretty sure Reeft, Garen, and Jai are here too. I think we're the last ones."  
  
"Well then, by all means." He gestured to the door. "Ladies first."  
  
She grinned and hit the chime. Obi Wan's smiling face appeared in the door a moment later, and he held it wide for them. "Alright! Everyone's here! Come on in!"  
  
Bant smiled at her friend's excitement and held up her bottle at the same time as Mace. "We brought drinks."  
  
"So did everyone else." Qui Gon said. "Obi Wan, are you going to let them in or what?"  
  
"Oh, yeah." He said abashedly, and ushered them all in. Bant took her wine and Mace's whisky and put them on the counter with five other bottles of various types of alcohol. "I guess everybody really did bring drinks."  
  
"Indeed." Qui Gon said, and when he noticed Obi Wan's wicked smile, "Too bad we'll NOT be drinking them all tonight." He turned to the assembled crowd. "So, what does everybody want to do?"  
  
"Drink?" Reeft suggested.  
  
"Aside from that."  
  
"Ooh! I know!" Jai said excitedly. "We can play 'I never!'"  
  
This statement brought a general murmur of agreement from the other teenagers, while the adults stood confused. "Heard of this game, I have not." Master Yoda announced. "Teach us you will." Jai shrugged. "Okay. Everybody get in a circle." While they arranged them selves, she went and raided the kitchen for glasses, coming and handing them each a half-full glass of whisky before sitting down with one herself.  
  
"The game is simple. We go around in a circle, and say 'I never.' Then name something. If anybody has done the thing you said, they have to take a sip of their drink. I'll start. I never.,. streaked in a public place."  
  
Mace coughed uncomfortably before taking a sip. The room grew very quiet. Yoda just kind of shook his head. Qui Gon suddenly burst out into laughter. "I remember that!" He cried. "You should." Mace grumbled. "You blackmailed me into it." Qui Gon grinned evilly. "I could arrange that again. I still have pictures." All the girls just kind of blushed and looked away, smiling slightly.  
  
"Ok, ok! That's more than enough of that. My turn!" Obi Wan cried. "I never looked through my Master's chough picture collection chough."  
  
Jai, Reeft, and Bant drank. Mace lifted the glass to his lips then hesitated. "Do we take two sips if we've done it more than once?" Jai raised an eyebrow at this implication, then considered it. "Take two sips if you've done it more than five times."  
  
He drank just once, thankfully. Qui-Gon looked at Tahl oddly. "You have a chough picture collection chough.?"  
  
"Shut up. My turn. I never made up and preformed a 'sexy me' dance in front of the mirror."  
  
"I thought you said you would keep that a secret!" Qui Gon protested, taking a drink. Lucky for him, he wasn't alone. Obi Wan, Garen, Reeft, Mace and.,.  
  
"Master Yoda?!?!?!"  
  
.,.also drank.  
  
"Sexy, my body is." Yoda said defensively. "A reason is there why dance I should not?"  
  
Years of intense training kept Mace, Tahl and Qui Gon from speaking. Hands across their mouths helped the padawans refrain from bursting into convulsions of hysterical laughter.  
  
When the urge to shudder finally passed them by, Reeft took his turn. "I never used the Force suggestion for my own amusement or to gain money."  
  
Oddly enough, none of the padawans drank. Stranger still, all of the masters, including Master Yoda, did.  
  
"Master?" Obi Wan asked uneasily. "Um.,. when.,.?"  
  
"I was on a mission and needed credits." He answered. "It was strictly business."  
  
"Master Tahl?"  
  
She blushed. "When I was seventeen I tricked a guy who was stalking me into thinking he was gay so he would leave me alone."  
  
Bant promptly dissolved into laughter, so Obi Wan asked Mace.  
  
"What did you do?"  
  
He grinned, far from embarrassed. "When I was a padawan, I used to mind trick waitresses into bringing me free food. Then when I got older, I would trick them into coming with me after work. We would go and-"  
  
"That's plenty." Qui Gon cut in. "What about you, Master Yoda?  
  
"Need to hear this story, the padawans do not. Involves a pretty lady, it does."  
  
"And that would be my cue." Bant said. "My turn. I've never had weird sexual fantasies about any of the masters in this room."  
  
Every male in the room (except Yoda) glanced guiltily at Tahl and drank. Tahl blushed but did the same for Qui Gon. Jai followed Tahl's gaze, gave Qui Gon the once over, repeated the process with Mace, and grinned. "I didn't before but I have now." she said, sipping.  
  
Obi Wan and Bant looked at each other, then at their respective masters, and shuddered. "Ew." Bant muttered.  
  
"I get to go." Garen said. "I've never had weird sexual fantasies about Master Yoda."  
  
"You asshole, it was a dream, and you said you wouldn't tell anybody!" Bant cried, managing to punch him on the arm and drink at the same time. Tahl and Jai both sipped, neither looking at anybody. Everyone else (but Yoda) shuddered and threw back their drinks, poured more and repeated, attempting to rid themselves of unbidden images. Yoda, not quite figuring this out, shook his head in amazement. "Know I did that a sexy body I had, but want it all of you do? Disturbing this party has become. Wish I had knowledge of this, I do not."  
  
"Neither do we." Mace said, opening a new bottle and filling everybody's glasses. "My turn. I've never openly enjoyed defying the council." He looked very pointedly at Qui Gon, who drank unashamedly, as did Obi Wan. Bant glanced at her friend. "Obi Wan? I thought you disapproved of Master Jinn's defiance."  
  
He shrugged. "I used to, but now it's getting to where I love watching him talk them down, especially when they're being stupid." Mace and Yoda glared. "What? The point of this game is to blackmail each other for being honest."  
  
"Much like your master, you have become." Yoda grumbled. "Whether to punish or praise this, I know not."  
  
"I say punish." Mace said, then looked at Qui Gon. "Both of them."  
  
Qui Gon raised an eyebrow at him. "Would you like me to go get those pictures out?"  
  
"Blackmail is an action unbefitting of a Jedi."  
  
"Yeah, but it gets us vacation time, so who cares?"  
  
"Shut up and take your turn, Jinn."  
  
"Yes, mother dearest. I never cross dressed and went on a date."  
  
Reeft and Garen both glanced at each other and drank.  
  
"..."  
  
"Shut up. It was a dare, and no, not with each other."  
  
"Good to know."  
  
"Skip it. Your turn, Master Yoda."  
  
"Woken up kissing a pillow, I never have."  
  
Only Jai drank on that one.  
  
"Jai? You woke up kissing a pillow? Who were you dreaming of?"  
  
"You remember Garen's question?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Mhm."  
  
"Ew."  
  
"Yeah. That was the first time I honestly considered suicide."  
  
"I would too. But not right now. It's your turn again."  
  
"Ok. I've never gone skinny dipping."  
  
Not a glass was left untouched.  
  
"In the waterfall meditation garden."  
  
Same result.  
  
"With someone else in this room."  
  
Only Master Yoda and Mace left their glasses alone.  
  
Jai just blinked. "That's kind of disturbing. We've all been naked in the same water with more than one person with us. I know Bant and I went at night one time with a bunch of our friends (All girl, nothing perverted!), but when did the rest of you?"  
  
Obi Wan spoke for the other boys. "Same thing for Garen, Reeft and I."  
  
The room went silent. Then, Bant and Obi Wan at the same time: "Masters.,.?"  
  
"We were young. Shut up and never speak of it again." Master Tahl said. "Remember, I can wipe your memories."  
  
"No you can't."  
  
"Sure I can. You just don't remember."  
  
"Funny, master. Why did I have to get the funny master? Is it punishment? Did I do something wrong? Why me?"  
  
"Bant, shut up. I'm taking my turn."  
  
"Sorry, Obi Wan."  
  
"It's cool. Now.,. I've never considered the dirty uses of a light saber."  
  
This time all the women drank while the men just thought dirty thoughts. Garen just shook his head. "This is getting far too perverted for my tastes. What do ya'll say we end this and play truth or dare?"  
  
"That could work." Obi Wan said thought fully.  
  
"Please." Mace intervened. "For the sake of all our sanity."  
  
"That ok with everyone?" Jai asked. No one objected, so she turned to Tahl. "It was your turn any way, so you can go first."  
  
"Alright." Tahl agreed. She looked around the circle thoughtfully. "Qui Gon.,. truth or dare?"  
  
He took another drink, and got brave. "Dare."  
  
He was by no means comforted by the evil smile she sent him. "I dare you to kiss Mace."  
  
"WHAT?!?"  
  
"Hey, how did I get roped into this?!"  
  
"Shut up, Mace. C'mon, Qui, you have to take this. Of course, I could always find a replacement dare.,." She left the threat hanging, watching Qui Gon's face run through slight fear, anxiety, then defeat. "Alright." He agreed. "But I am NOT kissing him on the lips."  
  
"That's fine." Tahl agreed. "Cheek is enough."  
  
He leaned over, taking advantage of the time Mace was still frozen in horror, and, eyes scrunched closed, he gave Mace a quick peck on the cheek, opening his eyes just in time to see the flash of light from a camera. His eyes grew big and he jumped to his feet. "Padawan, you are DEAD!!" Obi Wan just laughed and danced backward out of reach of his master. "Garen, catch!" He cried, tossing the camera to his friend, who caught it and moved away from the still mad master. "Bant!" He cried, passing it on. "Got it! Catch, Master!" Tahl caught it and grinned as Qui Gon turned and headed her way. Mace, who had regained his composure (and an evil smile), smelled revenge in the air. He stuck out a foot and added a tiny Force push behind Qui Gon, who tripped and fell.,. right on top of Master Tahl.  
  
Tahl held the camera behind her back, propping herself up on her elbows. Qui Gon had landed directly on top of her, arms on each side of her, their faces only about an inch apart. Qui Gon blinked, looking confused. "Um.,. hi?"  
  
Tahl blushed and turned her head, smiling, as Qui Gon picked himself up and sat back down. Oddly enough, he and Obi Wan had managed to switch places so he was next to Tahl and Obi Wan was next to Mace and Garen. Qui Gon made no more attempts to get the camera, which lay in Tahl's lap.  
  
Garen just shook his head. "That's kind of wrong, but whatever boats your float. Master Jinn, It's your turn."  
  
"Oh, um, thank you, Reeft."  
  
"I'm Garen."  
  
"Thank you too, then. Um, Obi Wan. Truth or dare?"  
  
"Truth. I am not gonna kiss anyone."  
  
"That's perfectly fine, there's quite a bit I need to have you confess to."  
  
"Uh-oh. That didn't sound good."  
  
"Indeed. Now, is it true that, while you never looked through my nonexistent Chough picture collection chough you have one of your own, consisting of various pictures of the female Jedi population, including one young lady who is in here?"  
  
"Master?"  
  
"Yes, my padawan?"  
  
"I'm going to kill you one day."  
  
"I love you too, padawan. Now, what's your answer?"  
  
"Yes, it's true. But it's not of the whole female Jedi population, just a select few of the.,. prettiest ones. Now, I get to go. Master Windu, truth or dare?"  
  
"Dare. Give me a good one."  
  
"I dare you to kiss Master Yoda."  
  
"Not a chance in hell. I'll accept the replacement dare in advance if you'll just let me off the hook with that one."  
  
Obi Wan's grin grew wider and his eyes took on an evil gleam. "Okay. I dare you to streak through the cafeteria tomorrow morning at breakfast."  
  
"What?! I'm a council member, I can't do that!!"  
  
"We can let you wear a mask, if you want."  
  
"That won't help!"  
  
"Well, we can be nice if you want, and let you go back and accept the original dare."  
  
Mace turned his head to the ugly troll sitting behind him, then to the evil grin on the face of the padawan. "Fine. I'll do it. Tomorrow morning at breakfast, but I want everybody's word they won't say it was me. Swear on your light sabers."  
  
"Fair enough." Obi Wan said, pulling out his own saber and laying his hand on it. "I swear by my saber and my honor as a Jedi that I will not reveal the identity of the streaker."  
  
Mace nodded in approval as everyone followed his lead. "Alright then. Now that that's settled, pour me another drink."  
  
Three hours later, six and a half of the seven bottles of wine had been drunk. In this time, Obi Wan had openly admitted that he like Bant, kissed her, asked her to marry him, got slapped, and was now asleep with his head in her lap. Bant had also admitted her feelings for Obi Wan, agreed to be his girlfriend, found his Chough Picture collection Chough (note the slapping) which thankfully portrayed her not naked, but with her swimsuit, and had agreed (away from the masters' hearing) to go skinny dipping with him sometime in the near future.  
  
Qui Gon and Tahl had never openly admitted anything, but the fact that after his twentieth glass of alcohol, he had turned to her and slurred "Will you bear my child?" seemed to be a good indicator of his feelings. They had spent the rest of the party making out, (thoroughly disgusting their padawans), and now lay passed out on the couch (fully clothed, this is PG-13) lying in each other's arms.  
  
Garen, Reeft, and Jai were all unconscious in a heap, the result of being hit by the irritated masters who were seeking out solitude while they wanted to sing very loud drinking songs. They had gotten into a wrestling match over the last glass of whisky before deciding '"We're all friends here. We shouldn't fight." "I agree. I love you guys!" "Hiccup!"'  
  
Yoda had left earlier, and Mace was nowhere to be found.  
  
The next morning Obi Wan woke to a pounding on the door...sand in his skull. He muttered most un-Jedi like things as he lifted his head off of Bant's lap and groggily made his way to the door and threw it open. "Jai? When did you leave and what do you want?"  
  
"Just thought you'd like to know, Mace did his dare. Oh, and He is the sexiest nude council member to ever grace out halls."  
  
"Jai?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Go away."  
  
And he slammed the door in her face, consequently worsening his headache. "Happy birthday to me..." 


End file.
